A koan

I feel very grateful to my teachers and elders. Recently I was offered a reflection that exploded an internal process inside me, helped me to render conscious things out of view but affecting everything. This is an attempt to express this mysterious process.

A Koan

You saw something

My constellation

The oracle of my engagement in this life

Mine to inhabit

Cradle to be born through

Sometimes we really hear. A moments understanding slices us from the reality we know

A startling invitation

A lifetime to unfold.

You gave a koan

To live with me

A composting

A symphony

I ve tried my whole life

To rip out parts of me

To be cured faster of myself

I’m bankrupt so there’s nothing left to share

But brittle bracing against what I cannot bear

Inevitable the disgrace breaks through.

I sense a way to dance

With the rope that draws me forwards

Into the future I am part of making

Not killing off the vision

Neither running from the past

I ve often tried to spring forwards

Into some holy future

Imagining I can leave the fucked up version of myself behind

Skim off old pain and muted voices

Shame

This koan you have planted lives inside of me

Quietly dismantling

Unfolds the mystery

So next steps listen to more points in time

The switch back from my ancestors to mine.

It is a gift to truly feel

And that means

I must see him with fresh eyes

Each day

(That opens up gift

Beyond the skies)

And also means

I can feel myself

Each day

More rounded

Not be in such a rush to heal

I miss what makes me real.